A letter to Bella

Hi beautiful girl,
I wanted to write you a letter to let you know what is going on in the "outside" world as you prepare to enter into it in a few days.

First of all, everyone is anxiously awaiting your birth! I'm receiving emails, texts, facebook messages and phone calls almost every day from handfuls of friends and family asking if you have arrived yet. Can you believe how popular you already are? Hey and by the way... your MOM is having an extremely difficult time remaining patient for your arrival. A lot of this impatience is being created from the discomfort of pregnancy. But there is also a lot of impatience occurring because I want to see you! Almost everyday over the past 9 months, I have wondered what you would be like, what you would look like, and what your personality is going to be like. While I can make some guesses based on my own genetics and your father's, I'm still super curious! So anytime you want to say hi in the "outside" world, I'm awaiting your arrival with open arms.

There are some people that are here in your house that I should probably introduce you to because they will indefinitely be in your life more days than not. There is also your amazing Heavenly Father, who I can't wait to teach you about. He is brilliantly and masterfully knitting you together in my womb. He knows every hair on your pretty little head, and He will never leave or forsake you. He also will love you unconditionally! How fantastic is that? You will never be alone and will always be loved!

In addition to your Heavenly Father, you have a really cool earthly father. His name is Beau. When you see him, you will probably be taken back by his size. He is one muscular and handsome dude! But don't be afraid, because no matter how big his muscles get, his heart is as soft and loving as you will ever experience. He will sacrifice his own life without any hesitation to protect you and make sure you are taken care of. He also can't wait for you to grow up a bit so he can teach you about this "outside" world. This might involve fishing and camping trips, as well as simply jumping in his big ol' truck with your dogs and driving up to the local mountains. Bella, I can't even begin to tell you how lucky you are to have him as your dad. You will always be loved and protected by him. And he is already proud of you.

You also have some really cool grandparents who have already started to spoil you. While your dad's parents live far away, they are going to do everything they can to visit you as much as possible. You dad's mom is colorful, creative and passionate. She has been here over the past week or two helping get your bedroom ready so you feel warm and safe. She is looking forward to teaching you about gardening and designing as well! Your dad's dad and his wife can't wait to meet you in a few months! It kills them to not live closer, but you will talk with them on a regular basis and feel loved by them no matter how many miles separate you. They will probably teach you a lot about the Bible as well as cooking...two things you can't live without! On my side, you are going to learn about medicine and sports from my dad. He is undoubtedly going to teach you how to throw a curveball and shoot a free throw. And just like your daddy, despite his size, he is quite the softy...so get ready to be loved a lot! My mom already has fallen in love with you and will probably be involved throughout most of your life. She has a bit of a problem preventing herself from buying you gifts, but I can't seem to stop her! She also can't wait to teach you about being a Christian woman, a great friend and an amazing wife.

The other three living "things" in this house are your uncle A.J. and your two dogs, Chick and Dude. A.J. is in charge of teaching you about movies and music. He is insanely brilliant as well, so I'm excited for you to learn about the world through his eyes. Your dogs, who are so smart that they are more like humans, will protect you from any harm and swim with you for hours in our pool.

Oh and to describe your mom a bit, you know, the person you have been growing inside for the past 9 months...My new found purpose in life is to love, protect and provide for you. I promise you that you will never feel unloved or alone. I can't wait to teach you about friendships, family and surviving day to day life. Yes, I'll screw up on occassion, but I promise you, that I will constantly strive to be better by you and learn how be the mom you need me to be.

Alrighty beautiful girl, as you can see, you are coming into an "outside" world full of people who already love you and can't wait to teach you the best of life's lessons. I'll see you soon!

Be careful what you ask for

So remember about 3-4 months ago when I was whining about not really having a "true" pregnancy belly. I was complaining because I was hoping for this basketball belly that looked cute and perfectly round poking through my pregnancy tops. At the time I found it frustrating to have this soft "pudge" that was occurring because it wasn't really showing that I was pregnant; it was more so showing that I was drinking too much beer or simply eating too much chocolate. Well crap! I now have got what I asked for.

As I enter my 37th week, I have achieved the basketball belly status. However this basketball feels oversized and is slowly approaching watermelon craziness. Not only is it obvious that I'm pregnant, about everyone and their mother seems to comment on how pregnant I look. Just a few days ago, a woman working the gates at the NCAA basketball championship tournament told me that there is special parking for women who are "12 months pregnant." She said this with so much pleasure and was obviously impressed with her humor. Ha! Well I wasn't laughing. Then the dressing room lady at Target last night asked me when I'm due because she felt like I was about to go into labor based on the beautiful waddle I was sporting.

Not only do you get unwanted comments and stares from everyone around you at this stage in pregnancy, you also have a hell of a time trying to...um you know...do any movement that requires you to bend at the waist. Holy crap! Tying my shoes feels like I'm trying to do the splits. Any why is it that I seem to drop everything now that it is almost impossible to bend over enough to pick it up off the floor? I also am finding now when I'm eating, I have to drop my belly between my legs so I can move forward enough to reach my food. Wow!

Now my fear is that I sound ungrateful and hormonal. Ungrateful no...hormonal yes. I know this is all part of the process and I'd carry Mt. Everest of bellies to make sure little Bella is growing the way she needs to be. But I do admit, I can't wait to get my flat stomach back if it is possible, be able to pick stuff up off the floor, and gracefully tie my shoes without ripping a hamstring. Just a few more weeks...

Bed rest restlessness

So God tends to send messages. I believe He chooses to whisper, nudge, scream and even knock us on our butt...it all depends on our level of stubbornness. Well being that I'm obstinate as a mule, and couldn't quite understand the concept of taking it easy, God finally needed to get my attention a week ago.

For the past two months I have been going in twice a week for non-stress tests to make sure my amniotic fluids are where they need to be. And while these tests are a pain in my pregnant ass, they are painless and do allow me to see Bella a lot. Everything usually goes smoothly, but last week's test showed extremely intense contractions that the nurses believed were labor contractions. When the nurses told me what might be happening, I immediately freaked out...no big surprise right?

I got on the phone and called Beau in tears. Of course he was on his way to Big Bear to fish the day away. I tried to act strong and begged him not to come home; I didn't want to take him away from such a special day. But being the great husband he is, he immediately turned around and was at our house within the next hour. As we both waited around to see what the day was going to turn into, my contractions didn't let up and eventually were happening every 11-12 minutes. This was pretty alarming for me because I usually didn't have such intense or frequently occurring contractions.

We eventually were asked to come in and see the doctor so he could check my cervix. While my cervix wasn't found to be dilated, he sure wasn't happy with the work I was taking on and the commute I was making to my Newport Beach office. He looked at Beau and me asking if I could stop working, and Beau ecstatically replied "YES"!!! While I wasn't as excited as my husband, I knew it was time to start acting pregnant.

So that is what I'm doing right now. Acting pregnant. Feet are up most of the day, trying to keep little Bella in for what the doctor is hoping...at least 1 1/2 more weeks. I also haven't worked out in 9 days...I think the last time I skipped a week of workouts was when I was in junior high.

Am I good at this bed rest thing? Heck NO! I even cheated the past two days and went into work...SHHH...don't tell my doctor. But all in all, I think I'm doing a good job of obeying the doctor's orders when you compare it to the pace I was traveling at earlier this month. It's truly not about me anymore...and I know it hasn't been about me for the past 9 months. I got to listen, and most importantly...I need to stop moving so little Bella can cook a bit longer. Bare with me ya'll...due to this new pace called bed rest....I might blog a bit more and I might sound a bit more crazy than I usually do. Not quite used to sitting.

Bittersweet

I usually start off my blogs with some kind of humor or significant growth that I'm experiencing. But today's blog is a bit different. I guess I'm reaching out, venting my emotions because I know keeping them in won't help me in the least.

As I sat in the doctor's office this morning, now in my 31st week of pregnancy, I found myself thinking of the baby we lost in late January of 2010. Thoughts spun around in my head of what s/he might be like, what s/he would be doing right now, and what I could be teaching her. These thoughts bring a certain level of sadness and I know it is probably just grief...which is tricky and seems to pop up at times when you least expect it.

In addition to sadness, I think I am experiencing a sort of fear, or guilt, that I'm forgetting this baby that miscarried. Now that most to all of my thoughts consist of Bella and getting ready for her April arrival, I feel as if I'm leaving behind this little child who was not meant to see the world. So maybe this is why I am blogging about our first child...capturing his or her memory in writing...

I am comforted however through all of this...Bella would not be growing in my tummy right now if this first child had made it throughout the pregnancy. And Beau and I wouldn't have gone through such a spiritual and emotional journey of growth...There are too many blessings that such sadness brought to our lives...too many to list here.

Overall, I'm just feeling a sense of heaviness today. I just looked out at the little fruit tree that Beau planted in our backyard in honor of this little fallen angel after the miscarriage happened. It still is quite little...dainty when compared to the other trees that surround it...but it is standing strong despite its size and continues to grow. Just like the little angel who only lived a few months, it serves a purpose and is powerful and loved despite its appearance.

Nesting mania

I'm realizing that there are many stages to pregnancy. It's almost as if you can experience an entire lifetime in this 9-month period. Initially you start out scared, completely dependent on anything but yourself. You don't know what to expect next and you can't quite get your feet under you. Then you start educating yourself and you gain some confidence. Throughout this journey, you are shedding off old parts of yourself, developing into a newer, more mature version of your once young self. By the time you enter the final months, you reflect back on what you have learned and realize that you are nothing like the person that started out on this scary adventure. Overall, I am really thankful for this process and praise God for molding me over the past 7 1/2 months. I'm feeling more and more ready for this process called motherhood.

Okay, now that I typed the positive stuff and have tried to acknowledge what I have gained so far...let me confess about this nesting mania that has taken over my life. Wow! They weren't kidding! As many of my closest friends and family know, I am not exactly an organized, neat individual. I tend to leave trails wherever I go and my car is usually weighed down by 100 pounds of leftover trash, books, makeup, etc. But something takes over you when you are approaching the final days and weeks of pregnancy. From a mental health standpoint, (sorry I had to go there), it is somewhat a sick form of obsessive compulsive disorder. A heightened neuroses...I have started making lists of everything I feel needs to be done before little Bella arrives. These lists drive me nuts and have resulted in hormonal meltdowns. Sorry Beau! Each room I walk into only makes the lists bigger as I see never-ending projects that I think need to be completed before her arrival. I've begun to keep a tidy kitchen, and I now know how to use the vaccuum cleaner! Lysol wipes give me more enjoyment than my iPhone. Disgusting huh?!? Amazing that I feel the need to clean and finish all these projects when Bella won't even know the difference when she arrives.

In addition to nesting mania, I'm struggling with the lack of independence that this pregnancy has created. When my doctor told me to not lift over 20 pounds and stop exercising as much as I have been, a large piece of me has been put to rest! Ha! You see, I've always been the strong girl, the one girl who people don't seem to go out of their way to assist. My husband knows this best; we literally have never hired movers to help us. He knows that I can hang! But now, this weird phenomena has taken over where people all around me rush to open doors, lift something for me, and help me get up off the couch! It is really odd! Well I guess I should savor it, because it is all going to end in about 10 weeks.

Alrighty, overall, I love the growth and what I'm experiencing. Yes, I continue to struggle, but I am very grateful for all the difficulties as well. I do feel the growing pains...yep...I'm growing up. It is nice. I want to be as ready as I can be for this little girl. Can't wait to meet her.

What the heck is a boppy?

Baby's R Us tried to kill me last week, but I survived somehow. Thank God that one of my best friends, Jen Major, helped me get out of the store in one piece.

Baby registration is an insane process for someone like me. You know, the first-time-mommie who really has had minimal to no experience with babies. To be honest, I wasn't excited at all to enter the store and attack my baby registration. But once again, Jen came through; she bribed me with Starbuck's and promised me the process would be painless! So dragging my feet, Starbuck's in hand, I entered the store and sat down with her at the registration booth. We ended up getting to speak with one of the quickest speaking associates ever. Wow! Didn't she understand that I had no idea what I was doing?!? Why'd she have to speak so fast? So as she explained the scanner process and checklist, I didn't understand one word and prayed that I could just depend on Jen's experience with this monsterous task.

She then handed me the "gun" and we started on aisle 1. Praise God again, that Jen is a teacher...she handled each item and question with such ease and patience. She told me about different bottles, teething aids, first aid gear, breast pumps, and BOPPYS. Yep! I had no idea what a boppy was, but Jen taught me about this too. She masterfully kept me motivated and got me through each aisle. Despite the fact that she is 7 months pregnant, she ripped down strollers for us to test and only once knocked over an aisle! Ha!

Unfortunately as we thought we had finished the grueling task of baby registration, (honest to God, at 6 months pregnancy, it felt like completing a marathon), it was revealed to me that none of the items that were low inventory at the store had scanned. I then realized that I should have asked the associate we met at the beginning to slow down her rate of speech as she was explaining the scanning process to us. Ugh! I also realized that my husband is always right...especially when he says that I "need to pay better attention."

As my hormones were raging especially at that moment, as I realized that we would have to go through the entire store again to see what items were not scanned, I knew I was about to have a meltdown. Yep! A good ol' adult-sized temper tantrum pregnancy style! Fortunately for me, just in case I hadn't said it before, Jen, the ultimate teacher was with me and reassured me that we could go through the entire process again and SURVIVE!

So we did, and about 3 1/2 hours later, we left the store having registered for boppy's, diapers, and many other items that I still have no clue what they are used for.

The ultimate lesson to be learned here...don't...I repeat...don't enter Baby's R Us alone unless you are experienced and a bit more stable than myself! Thanks again Jen...you saved me from that insane store. You are incredibly appreciated.

Got to PEE!!!

Hey everyone,
I know it has been about a month since my last post, so I figured, since I woke up about four times last night, that I should just give up on trying to sleep and update my blog! So here I am, typing away, attempting to give an update on what it feels like for me to be in the middle of my 22nd week of pregnancy.

Belly update: Yep, it has finally arrived! No, it is not quite like the cute, little basketball-type I always envisioned, but it is almost there. I haven't quite revealed that I'm pregnant to my therapy clients yet, so I've become extremely creative in hiding my expanding waistline through blousy tops, tunics, etc. However, once I get home, I have to admit that it has been fun to wear some tighter tops to show off the new edition! As many of you moms know, there is this weird in-between period where you either wear looser tops to hide the belly that looks like a beer-gut or you wear normal, fitted attire to show off what actually portrays a pregnant belly. I think I'm entering the latter stage, maybe in the next few weeks!

Name update: Well after several months of debating and minor arguments, Beau and I have come up with a name! You would think marrying your sweetheart/soul-mate would lead to a more-than-easy naming process. Nope! I think we disagreed on almost every name we came up with. There were many days where I'd come home from a long day of work, speeding home, so I could share the name I brilliantly came up with...to only be met with a look/statement such as "What the heck are you thinking trying to name our child with a name like that???". Thank God after it was revealed to us that we were having a girl about a month ago, half of our naming dilemma was completed for us. During the same night the ultrasound showed "It's a girl" we had come up with our sweet little angel's name. Bella. Bella Sky Rummel.

To be perfectly honest, I think it is a perfect name. "Beautiful Sky." Beau and me fell in love over sunsets and shared our first date with a beautiful sunset over the Pacific Ocean in San Diego. What could be better than capturing this special moment in our first child's name!

Body/general issues related to pregnancy: The 2nd trimester rocks! I really love not throwing up or struggling with nausea throughout the day. While the fatigue is never-ending, I don't mind it and usually am able to take a nap when needed. However, the peeing, UGH! Especially on nights like the one we just had and having to run down the longest bedroom hallway known to man to get to the toilet...painful. I am about to resort to a bedpan...no...just kidding...just sounds very appealing after last night. I'm getting awfully excited about my upcoming baby shower as planning has begun and I've only freaked out a handful of times as I start thinking about the baby registry. Thank God for best buds who have been through this process...because I know I won't be dragging my hubby into these stores.

Summary: Overall, I love being pregnant. I'm so content and filled with joy that God blessed us with this little girl for Christmas...so much so...that I don't need any gifts this holiday. I think I was given the best one possible.