The second trimester

14 weeks 1 day! 25 weeks 6 days to go! Little Rummel is about the size of a navel orange...roughly 2-3 ounces...4.5 inches.

When I type these stats out, there is definitely one side of me that dreads the thought of having to wait out 25 1/2 more weeks. However, there is another side of me, the side I'm pretty excited about...that is really happy that I have that much further to go. Wow...you might be thinking..."Finally Blaire, some mature thinking!" Ha ha. I have come to realize over the past week or so that I am involved in a magnifiscent journey that God has allowed me to partake in. I absolutely feel him molding and shaping me into someone completely different than I once was. And you know what? That makes me so dang happy and excited. Sure, I have a long ways to go. But God is rewarding me with some patience as I can now feel and see Him working on me.

As I have started this blog, I have had some doubts about continuing. Some of you have made some obvious comments on my "nuttiness" since reading these blogs. Some friends don't understand why I freak out so much and am experiencing so much fear. And I have to admit, that has swayed me a bit. Being such a people pleaser and scared to show people the realness of me for fear of rejection, I have had serious doubts about being so open as I experience pregnancy. But if I were to give in to these doubts, I'd be following down the path that I once was on. And to be honest...I'm sick of walking down that path. So I choose to continue blogging. Sharing my "crap", my fears, my doubts, my failures, and hopefully some of my joys. I don't want to be scared anymore of possible judgment, of things that might not lead to absolute success, etc. I'm going to push forward and record what is happening to me the best way I know how. It feels somewhat freeing and exciting to reveal so much about what I am going through. And I just can't keep hidden how God really does answer prayer.

Back to pregnancy...I'm definitely feeling a bit more hopeful that some of the miscarriage threat is gone as I am finishing off 4 months in the next few weeks. Don't get me wrong, it is still there, and recently just appeared full force in a nightmare last night. But I don't feel as alone as I am asking God for more help. I promise you He really is there. He really is walking alongside us all the time.

My belly is now looking a bit softer and rounder. A lot of my friends have called this the worst stage for the belly, because it resembles more of a "beer belly" or pudginess, rather than a cute basketball. I'm also having a lot of fun, (not really), finding clothes that disguise what's going on behind my belly button ;-). The nausea is pretty much gone! Thank God! And the tiredness...well that is probably not going to go away. And last but not least...the hormones/emotional rollercoasters are a bit much. Poor Beau!

And while I love experiencing these physical changes, I'm finding the most enjoyment out of what I'm learning and going through. God has really blessed me with some awesome friends, a small group that is full of young moms, and a new found quietness to help me listen to what He wants for my life.

I'll end on this last point here. A new found quietness. I have never truly experienced the present, a slowness in everyday life, where I sit back and just listen and be. It is a new sensation, a new speed, and a whole new way of living. And while I'm no pro at this type of meditative state, I'm liking the practice that is involved and I love what it is doing. Overall, I'm just feeling grateful tonight and hope that you are experiencing all that God can do for your life...no matter what stage you are in. It is truly rad!

Obsessed and Impatient

12 weeks 3 days pregnant! 27 weeks 4 days to go! Wait...27 1/2 weeks to go! That is like a little over half of a year left. Crap! I get so excited to try out my new iPhone application for pregnancy, and as soon as I open it up, it tells me that I have approximately 27 1/2 weeks left of pregnancy! Thanks a lot! Then my good buddy Jazmine tells me about "the bump.com" and I jump on that as well. As soon as I log in my information, it kindly tells me that I have a little less than 200 days left of pregnancy. Thanks again! Yep, I'm being a bit impatient. Just a tad. Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant. Especially after January's quick loss, every day that I get to be pregnant, I try to thank God for the awesome opportunity. But nonetheless, there is something restless inside of me that wishes I was a bit further along.

As I'm on the bubble saying goodbye to my first trimester and entering my second, I'm not quite looking pregnant yet. My stomach resembles more of a bloated, soft, slightly pudgy stomach rather than a basketball belly. While my husband swears he doesn't see the "bloatedness" I see, I know it is there. What is so funny as I type this is that when I wasn't pregnant, I always thought I wouldn't want a "baby bump"...Now that I am pregnant, I can't wait for that dang bump to appear!

In addition to being unnecessarily impatient, I've also realized I've become quite obsessed with pregnancy! Look at me! I'm writing my pregnancy blog on a Saturday night! Just an hour ago I got back from a firefighter party where I primarily talked to the new mommy with her 7-month old adorable little girl. Even as I prepare my 8-hour workshop, typing away at a 200-slide power-point presentation, most of the pictures I have included are of babies and children! Ha! My boss, kindly, pointed out to me yesterday that I might want to think of inserting some adult pictures to round it out a bit! During each television show, I listen for interesting names that I might be able to use for baby Rummel. And everyday I explore a new baby website. Wow...how much is too much?

Yep...guys and girls...I'm sharing my inner thoughts and weird nuances with you. Maybe some of you can relate, and just maybe...some or all of you think I've got a screw or two loose. That's okay though. I definitely know I got some stuff to work on. I also know that it is okay to be a bit impatient and obsessed, because I'm super happy, bottom line, I'm really excited to be a mommy.

A wave from baby Rummel

Yesterday was a NT ultrasound. Ugh. Pretty scary stuff especially for someone as neurotic as me. I have asked a bunch of my girlfriends if they had done prenatal screening and many have encouraged me to run far, far, far away from such a thing. Many said that the fear that would follow after a positive screening for possible birth defects would be overwhelming and ruin a lot of the happiness that I could be feeling during the pregnancy. But after reviewing the program with my physician father and talking it over with Beau, we all agreed that we shouldn't run from something that might be scary and bring us upsetting news. We agreed that we should be as prepared as possible.

So off Beau and I went to the specialist's office for our 11:15am appointment. I had a bunch of thoughts twirling in my head, mostly negative. Yep that is my tendency, to assume the worst. But this time, even though I had some negative thoughts, I could feel God there. He definitely allowed me to push past these thoughts and not feel as fearful and scared as I normally would have in this situation.

We walked into the doctor's office, filled out a million forms and then walked to a small room in the back. As I started to get myself situated to see our little one, an ultrasound tech walks back, introduces herself, and gets started even before I am able to go through my normal freak out, mental routine. I definitely think that is another God intervention that happened yesterday. He almost didn't allow me to have the time to "think too much." I'm thankful for that.

So Beau sits down and has a front row seat to a big monitor. The ultrasound begins, and BAM! There is little baby Rummel. Ha! What a cool image! And what a difference from the 8-week ultrasound. Amazing that 4 weeks later, this baby actually looks like a baby. Maybe more like a skeleton...a skeleton alien...but nonetheless, a baby. And then...the ultimate gift from our awesome Physician up above. Baby Rummel lifts his/her little arm and waves at the monitor! Ha ha! So funny and so cool. Beau and me laughed so hard at that moment. Then the tech tells us that this little one is being uncooperative as she was trying to take a measurement to assess the potential for Down Syndrome/heart defects etc. Beau and me laughed again. Of course this baby is going to be uncooperative...a lot like his or her daddy :-)! Finally after lying on my side for a few minutes, the baby shifts and then the tech is able to get the measurements she needs.

While we don't know the results yet, we were just so blessed at that moment. After going through January's sadness, to see our baby, with a really strong heart beat moving around and waving at us....we were simply, filled with joy. What a blessing.

Of course, being the control freak I am, I took the NT measurement I saw on the papers and looked up normal measurements when I got home to my computer. And while the number seems to fit well within normal range, I know that the comprehensive results aren't in yet and the possibility of something wrong appearing might occur. But I know that we aren't alone. I really find peace in what God is doing and we definitely feel Him as we are embarking on this really cool journey.

For the rest of the day yesterday, I just couldn't get the little image of baby Rummel waving at us. I also loved seeing my husband smile a bit more and have him kiss my growing belly. Overall it was a good day for the Rummel house. Thank you all for your prayers, they mean the world to us. I'll keep everyone posted after tomorrow, the 12-week appointment.

Let's not forget about the guys

When you think about pregnancy, you typically picture a female with a big belly, a cute little baby being born some time soon, and fancy nurseries/baby rooms. You might picture the upcoming baby showers that include the pregnant mom-to-be and all of her girlfriends surrounding her with silly baby games and gifts. And on a more serious and dramatic note, when you think of a miscarriage, you might think about a mourning woman trying to understand why such a loss occurred. Maybe other things that I didn't list here come to mind when you think of these two things, but what I have come to notice is that one very important person is missing from the equation.

So God put it on my heart to give a shout out to this guy I know...he is kind of tall and muscular...and bald. He's my husband Beau. And he has definitely been put on the back burner during the miscarriage and this pregnancy experience. Not that I have intentionally put him there, but nonetheless, I have definitely let him be overshadowed in the past 10 months. And he truly, without a doubt, deserves to be up front and center.

In January, when "we" miscarried, he lost the potential to meet his son or daughter. A son, who probably would have been muscular just like his daddy. A son, who would have been blonde, blue-eyed, and curly haired. A son, who would have been stubborn, smart and determined just like his daddy. A daughter, who probably would have been muscular like her daddy. A daughter, who would have been blonde, blue-eyed and curly haired. Yep...Beau lost out on the chance to be a daddy on this Earth to a son or daughter. But unfortunately, a lot of the attention and concern was put on the female in the situation. Me.

When I have been overwhelmed by fear and concern about miscarrying during this pregnancy, I have only thought about my discomfort and not his. For each bizarre symptom that has occurred over the past few months, I express it to him seeking concern and support. But I haven't thought about how it might grip at his own heart and make him pray out that this baby is okay.

And over the past few months, I have been whiny about nausea and tiredness, bloating, etc. I haven't felt sexy or interested in appearing sexy. I would much rather sleep than make my husband feel special.

So babe, Beau, I give you a blog shout out. I apologize for pushing you out of these two experiences and not understanding that you are in this just as much as I am. I am so thankful that God and you have chosen me as your wife. You have been my absolute backbone since day 1 of our relationship. You push me when I am too afraid to budge and you quickly pick me up when I fall down. I thank God for you and your love and I can't wait for you to be a daddy to a blonde, curly-haired, muscular, stubborn little boy or girl in April. I will work on doing better at not forgetting that you are here and are experiencing this right alongside me. I love you.

In summary, let's not forget the guys. Yep, us women might have to suffer the nausea, backache, fatigue, weight gain, etc. But our men experience those hurts too, just in a different, less physical manner.

Starting a new journey

I tell my clients all the time to journal in order to express their emotions, fears and irrational thoughts. My own therapist tells me to journal as well for the very same reason. My mom has jumped on to the journal bandwagon and has repeatedly told me to journal. Friends and family have received the journal memo as well and have tried to encourage me to find the benefits of journaling.

Have I listened to any of their advice or my own? Nope. I'm not sure if I'm just a defiant little kid, or am I simply too lazy to buy a journal and start writing. Maybe it is a little of both.Thanks to my job as a historian for a couple years at the Amen Clinics, I have fallen in love with typing. I am a super impatient, instant gratification addict, so I love typing upwards of 80-90 wpm rather than using a pen at a much slower speed and getting a cramp in my hand each time I try to write faster. So with this typing preference, I figured I could just do my own modern version of journaling and start a blog. It is 2010 anyways, and I'll be saving some trees if I avoid the paper route. Rationalization at its best.

One of the main reasons, serious note here, that I'm starting a blog, is to record my journey and share it with the people I love as I experience pregnancy. Yep. Pregnancy. Today I am 11 weeks, 1 day pregnant. How do I feel? I feel tired, nauseous, bloated, tired, tired and tired. Outside of normal pregnancy symptoms, my emotions are a cocktail blend of fear, doubt, insecurity, happiness, excitement and uncertainty. Don't get me wrong, I'm so blessed that God has given me the opportunity to be a mother! So blessed. But I am slowly realizing that this possible 9/10 month journey is putting me in a situation that is beyond awkward and so dang scary.

After miscarrying in January 2010, to be put back into a situation that presents itself in such a similar fashion and has me face the possibility of another loss, is something that terrifies me. Also, as many of you know, and I'm starting to find out, there is just nothing you can control and nothing you can do to ensure that your baby will reach full term and be delivered on the expectant due date. What! Nothing I or you can do. UGH! I hate that scenario. All of my life, I have succeeded by doing, by controlling, and by pushing forward. Now I am in a situation where I just have to have faith and simply do my part in taking care of my body. YUCK! I don't like this helpless kind of situation. The CONTROL FREAK in me wants to control. I almost feel like my hands and feet have been bound or taken away from me. In addition, I usually put myself in situations that guarantee my success. Ha! Smart thinking huh? Why would I do anything different? So being in this situation here, you know the pregnancy one, there is no guarantee.

So this is why I titled my blog, "Breaking down the control freak." My control freak personality is getting a beating.

And you know what, THANK GOD for the beating. Thank you Heavenly Father for this journey, for this adventure and for this opportunity to become broken. I know that God has my best interest in hand, and even if He were to take this baby from my womb tonight, I'd be better for it. Of course, I want to be a mom. Of course, I want to meet this little "it" growing inside of me and show him or her love and God's creation. And of course, I don't like worrying every second about another miscarriage, about the lack of control I have over this baby, etc. But I know that I'm being shaped and defined into a more Christ-like image. I can just feel God working. He's breaking down the control freak. And guess what, I'm working hard on letting Him...stepping aside and harnessing up that tendency to resist and do it my way.

So I include you on my journey and challenges that this pregnancy is inevitably going to bring me. Thanks for your support and joining me as I fall, cry, whine, and question. I can't do it without any of you. And thanks for reading my 2010 tree-saving, lazy verion of journaling.