I usually start off my blogs with some kind of humor or significant growth that I'm experiencing. But today's blog is a bit different. I guess I'm reaching out, venting my emotions because I know keeping them in won't help me in the least.
As I sat in the doctor's office this morning, now in my 31st week of pregnancy, I found myself thinking of the baby we lost in late January of 2010. Thoughts spun around in my head of what s/he might be like, what s/he would be doing right now, and what I could be teaching her. These thoughts bring a certain level of sadness and I know it is probably just grief...which is tricky and seems to pop up at times when you least expect it.
In addition to sadness, I think I am experiencing a sort of fear, or guilt, that I'm forgetting this baby that miscarried. Now that most to all of my thoughts consist of Bella and getting ready for her April arrival, I feel as if I'm leaving behind this little child who was not meant to see the world. So maybe this is why I am blogging about our first child...capturing his or her memory in writing...
I am comforted however through all of this...Bella would not be growing in my tummy right now if this first child had made it throughout the pregnancy. And Beau and I wouldn't have gone through such a spiritual and emotional journey of growth...There are too many blessings that such sadness brought to our lives...too many to list here.
Overall, I'm just feeling a sense of heaviness today. I just looked out at the little fruit tree that Beau planted in our backyard in honor of this little fallen angel after the miscarriage happened. It still is quite little...dainty when compared to the other trees that surround it...but it is standing strong despite its size and continues to grow. Just like the little angel who only lived a few months, it serves a purpose and is powerful and loved despite its appearance.
I love you Blaire! You are doing amazing... I think anyone in your shoes would be feeling the same way. God has really given you great insight to see the bigger picture and to see His grace in the middle of it all.
ReplyDeleteI love u sweetie and everything that love means IS implied. I wouldn't choose anyone else to go through the ups and downs with.
ReplyDeleteAwww.. Blaire. Here is a thought.... If your body is just a vesel, then maybe, just maybe the little soul that grows inside you is the same little soul that was with you at first, Her little body was just not strong enough then. So, she had to wait, just a while longer to she her Mommy and Daddy, til the body that she would have her whole life was strong enough.
ReplyDeleteBlaire, I SO know just the feelings and thoughts you are describing. The tree is such a nice memorial. I'm going to try to find the poem I wrote about my loss, I'll post it on facebook when I do... You are getting so close, mama! Let go to those wild pregnancy emotions and they'll let you go, too. (Cosmic: the word verification word is a misspelling of "elegy"!)
ReplyDeleteBlaire you are such an amazing woman! There is no question that what you and Beau have been through is difficult; you can't help but to grieve and wonder about the child you lost, especially at this time when your little Bella is growing so much and reminding you daily of her soon to be arrival with her little kicks in your belly. Its a time when everything becomes so real. It's amazing how much you can love your child already before ever really seeing them or holding them in your arms, and that is a love you will always have for your first child! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. I am so amazed by your strength in all this. I know it can be so difficult and confusing to experience such grief and joy all at the same time. I love that you guys planted a fruit tree in honor and memory of your first child.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the sadness you feel, and at the same time I cannot wait for you to hold your little Bella in your arms! Holding your baby for the first time is an undescribable experience! It is such an amazing love and I am so excited that you!
You know what you are? A good human being.
ReplyDeleteI look at it like this- that little person will just be another guardian angel to watch over Bella through her life's journey.
((Hugs))