I usually start off my blogs with some kind of humor or significant growth that I'm experiencing. But today's blog is a bit different. I guess I'm reaching out, venting my emotions because I know keeping them in won't help me in the least.
As I sat in the doctor's office this morning, now in my 31st week of pregnancy, I found myself thinking of the baby we lost in late January of 2010. Thoughts spun around in my head of what s/he might be like, what s/he would be doing right now, and what I could be teaching her. These thoughts bring a certain level of sadness and I know it is probably just grief...which is tricky and seems to pop up at times when you least expect it.
In addition to sadness, I think I am experiencing a sort of fear, or guilt, that I'm forgetting this baby that miscarried. Now that most to all of my thoughts consist of Bella and getting ready for her April arrival, I feel as if I'm leaving behind this little child who was not meant to see the world. So maybe this is why I am blogging about our first child...capturing his or her memory in writing...
I am comforted however through all of this...Bella would not be growing in my tummy right now if this first child had made it throughout the pregnancy. And Beau and I wouldn't have gone through such a spiritual and emotional journey of growth...There are too many blessings that such sadness brought to our lives...too many to list here.
Overall, I'm just feeling a sense of heaviness today. I just looked out at the little fruit tree that Beau planted in our backyard in honor of this little fallen angel after the miscarriage happened. It still is quite little...dainty when compared to the other trees that surround it...but it is standing strong despite its size and continues to grow. Just like the little angel who only lived a few months, it serves a purpose and is powerful and loved despite its appearance.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Nesting mania
I'm realizing that there are many stages to pregnancy. It's almost as if you can experience an entire lifetime in this 9-month period. Initially you start out scared, completely dependent on anything but yourself. You don't know what to expect next and you can't quite get your feet under you. Then you start educating yourself and you gain some confidence. Throughout this journey, you are shedding off old parts of yourself, developing into a newer, more mature version of your once young self. By the time you enter the final months, you reflect back on what you have learned and realize that you are nothing like the person that started out on this scary adventure. Overall, I am really thankful for this process and praise God for molding me over the past 7 1/2 months. I'm feeling more and more ready for this process called motherhood.
Okay, now that I typed the positive stuff and have tried to acknowledge what I have gained so far...let me confess about this nesting mania that has taken over my life. Wow! They weren't kidding! As many of my closest friends and family know, I am not exactly an organized, neat individual. I tend to leave trails wherever I go and my car is usually weighed down by 100 pounds of leftover trash, books, makeup, etc. But something takes over you when you are approaching the final days and weeks of pregnancy. From a mental health standpoint, (sorry I had to go there), it is somewhat a sick form of obsessive compulsive disorder. A heightened neuroses...I have started making lists of everything I feel needs to be done before little Bella arrives. These lists drive me nuts and have resulted in hormonal meltdowns. Sorry Beau! Each room I walk into only makes the lists bigger as I see never-ending projects that I think need to be completed before her arrival. I've begun to keep a tidy kitchen, and I now know how to use the vaccuum cleaner! Lysol wipes give me more enjoyment than my iPhone. Disgusting huh?!? Amazing that I feel the need to clean and finish all these projects when Bella won't even know the difference when she arrives.
In addition to nesting mania, I'm struggling with the lack of independence that this pregnancy has created. When my doctor told me to not lift over 20 pounds and stop exercising as much as I have been, a large piece of me has been put to rest! Ha! You see, I've always been the strong girl, the one girl who people don't seem to go out of their way to assist. My husband knows this best; we literally have never hired movers to help us. He knows that I can hang! But now, this weird phenomena has taken over where people all around me rush to open doors, lift something for me, and help me get up off the couch! It is really odd! Well I guess I should savor it, because it is all going to end in about 10 weeks.
Alrighty, overall, I love the growth and what I'm experiencing. Yes, I continue to struggle, but I am very grateful for all the difficulties as well. I do feel the growing pains...yep...I'm growing up. It is nice. I want to be as ready as I can be for this little girl. Can't wait to meet her.
Okay, now that I typed the positive stuff and have tried to acknowledge what I have gained so far...let me confess about this nesting mania that has taken over my life. Wow! They weren't kidding! As many of my closest friends and family know, I am not exactly an organized, neat individual. I tend to leave trails wherever I go and my car is usually weighed down by 100 pounds of leftover trash, books, makeup, etc. But something takes over you when you are approaching the final days and weeks of pregnancy. From a mental health standpoint, (sorry I had to go there), it is somewhat a sick form of obsessive compulsive disorder. A heightened neuroses...I have started making lists of everything I feel needs to be done before little Bella arrives. These lists drive me nuts and have resulted in hormonal meltdowns. Sorry Beau! Each room I walk into only makes the lists bigger as I see never-ending projects that I think need to be completed before her arrival. I've begun to keep a tidy kitchen, and I now know how to use the vaccuum cleaner! Lysol wipes give me more enjoyment than my iPhone. Disgusting huh?!? Amazing that I feel the need to clean and finish all these projects when Bella won't even know the difference when she arrives.
In addition to nesting mania, I'm struggling with the lack of independence that this pregnancy has created. When my doctor told me to not lift over 20 pounds and stop exercising as much as I have been, a large piece of me has been put to rest! Ha! You see, I've always been the strong girl, the one girl who people don't seem to go out of their way to assist. My husband knows this best; we literally have never hired movers to help us. He knows that I can hang! But now, this weird phenomena has taken over where people all around me rush to open doors, lift something for me, and help me get up off the couch! It is really odd! Well I guess I should savor it, because it is all going to end in about 10 weeks.
Alrighty, overall, I love the growth and what I'm experiencing. Yes, I continue to struggle, but I am very grateful for all the difficulties as well. I do feel the growing pains...yep...I'm growing up. It is nice. I want to be as ready as I can be for this little girl. Can't wait to meet her.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
What the heck is a boppy?
Baby's R Us tried to kill me last week, but I survived somehow. Thank God that one of my best friends, Jen Major, helped me get out of the store in one piece.
Baby registration is an insane process for someone like me. You know, the first-time-mommie who really has had minimal to no experience with babies. To be honest, I wasn't excited at all to enter the store and attack my baby registration. But once again, Jen came through; she bribed me with Starbuck's and promised me the process would be painless! So dragging my feet, Starbuck's in hand, I entered the store and sat down with her at the registration booth. We ended up getting to speak with one of the quickest speaking associates ever. Wow! Didn't she understand that I had no idea what I was doing?!? Why'd she have to speak so fast? So as she explained the scanner process and checklist, I didn't understand one word and prayed that I could just depend on Jen's experience with this monsterous task.
She then handed me the "gun" and we started on aisle 1. Praise God again, that Jen is a teacher...she handled each item and question with such ease and patience. She told me about different bottles, teething aids, first aid gear, breast pumps, and BOPPYS. Yep! I had no idea what a boppy was, but Jen taught me about this too. She masterfully kept me motivated and got me through each aisle. Despite the fact that she is 7 months pregnant, she ripped down strollers for us to test and only once knocked over an aisle! Ha!
Unfortunately as we thought we had finished the grueling task of baby registration, (honest to God, at 6 months pregnancy, it felt like completing a marathon), it was revealed to me that none of the items that were low inventory at the store had scanned. I then realized that I should have asked the associate we met at the beginning to slow down her rate of speech as she was explaining the scanning process to us. Ugh! I also realized that my husband is always right...especially when he says that I "need to pay better attention."
As my hormones were raging especially at that moment, as I realized that we would have to go through the entire store again to see what items were not scanned, I knew I was about to have a meltdown. Yep! A good ol' adult-sized temper tantrum pregnancy style! Fortunately for me, just in case I hadn't said it before, Jen, the ultimate teacher was with me and reassured me that we could go through the entire process again and SURVIVE!
So we did, and about 3 1/2 hours later, we left the store having registered for boppy's, diapers, and many other items that I still have no clue what they are used for.
The ultimate lesson to be learned here...don't...I repeat...don't enter Baby's R Us alone unless you are experienced and a bit more stable than myself! Thanks again Jen...you saved me from that insane store. You are incredibly appreciated.
Baby registration is an insane process for someone like me. You know, the first-time-mommie who really has had minimal to no experience with babies. To be honest, I wasn't excited at all to enter the store and attack my baby registration. But once again, Jen came through; she bribed me with Starbuck's and promised me the process would be painless! So dragging my feet, Starbuck's in hand, I entered the store and sat down with her at the registration booth. We ended up getting to speak with one of the quickest speaking associates ever. Wow! Didn't she understand that I had no idea what I was doing?!? Why'd she have to speak so fast? So as she explained the scanner process and checklist, I didn't understand one word and prayed that I could just depend on Jen's experience with this monsterous task.
She then handed me the "gun" and we started on aisle 1. Praise God again, that Jen is a teacher...she handled each item and question with such ease and patience. She told me about different bottles, teething aids, first aid gear, breast pumps, and BOPPYS. Yep! I had no idea what a boppy was, but Jen taught me about this too. She masterfully kept me motivated and got me through each aisle. Despite the fact that she is 7 months pregnant, she ripped down strollers for us to test and only once knocked over an aisle! Ha!
Unfortunately as we thought we had finished the grueling task of baby registration, (honest to God, at 6 months pregnancy, it felt like completing a marathon), it was revealed to me that none of the items that were low inventory at the store had scanned. I then realized that I should have asked the associate we met at the beginning to slow down her rate of speech as she was explaining the scanning process to us. Ugh! I also realized that my husband is always right...especially when he says that I "need to pay better attention."
As my hormones were raging especially at that moment, as I realized that we would have to go through the entire store again to see what items were not scanned, I knew I was about to have a meltdown. Yep! A good ol' adult-sized temper tantrum pregnancy style! Fortunately for me, just in case I hadn't said it before, Jen, the ultimate teacher was with me and reassured me that we could go through the entire process again and SURVIVE!
So we did, and about 3 1/2 hours later, we left the store having registered for boppy's, diapers, and many other items that I still have no clue what they are used for.
The ultimate lesson to be learned here...don't...I repeat...don't enter Baby's R Us alone unless you are experienced and a bit more stable than myself! Thanks again Jen...you saved me from that insane store. You are incredibly appreciated.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Got to PEE!!!
Hey everyone,
I know it has been about a month since my last post, so I figured, since I woke up about four times last night, that I should just give up on trying to sleep and update my blog! So here I am, typing away, attempting to give an update on what it feels like for me to be in the middle of my 22nd week of pregnancy.
Belly update: Yep, it has finally arrived! No, it is not quite like the cute, little basketball-type I always envisioned, but it is almost there. I haven't quite revealed that I'm pregnant to my therapy clients yet, so I've become extremely creative in hiding my expanding waistline through blousy tops, tunics, etc. However, once I get home, I have to admit that it has been fun to wear some tighter tops to show off the new edition! As many of you moms know, there is this weird in-between period where you either wear looser tops to hide the belly that looks like a beer-gut or you wear normal, fitted attire to show off what actually portrays a pregnant belly. I think I'm entering the latter stage, maybe in the next few weeks!
Name update: Well after several months of debating and minor arguments, Beau and I have come up with a name! You would think marrying your sweetheart/soul-mate would lead to a more-than-easy naming process. Nope! I think we disagreed on almost every name we came up with. There were many days where I'd come home from a long day of work, speeding home, so I could share the name I brilliantly came up with...to only be met with a look/statement such as "What the heck are you thinking trying to name our child with a name like that???". Thank God after it was revealed to us that we were having a girl about a month ago, half of our naming dilemma was completed for us. During the same night the ultrasound showed "It's a girl" we had come up with our sweet little angel's name. Bella. Bella Sky Rummel.
To be perfectly honest, I think it is a perfect name. "Beautiful Sky." Beau and me fell in love over sunsets and shared our first date with a beautiful sunset over the Pacific Ocean in San Diego. What could be better than capturing this special moment in our first child's name!
Body/general issues related to pregnancy: The 2nd trimester rocks! I really love not throwing up or struggling with nausea throughout the day. While the fatigue is never-ending, I don't mind it and usually am able to take a nap when needed. However, the peeing, UGH! Especially on nights like the one we just had and having to run down the longest bedroom hallway known to man to get to the toilet...painful. I am about to resort to a bedpan...no...just kidding...just sounds very appealing after last night. I'm getting awfully excited about my upcoming baby shower as planning has begun and I've only freaked out a handful of times as I start thinking about the baby registry. Thank God for best buds who have been through this process...because I know I won't be dragging my hubby into these stores.
Summary: Overall, I love being pregnant. I'm so content and filled with joy that God blessed us with this little girl for Christmas...so much so...that I don't need any gifts this holiday. I think I was given the best one possible.
I know it has been about a month since my last post, so I figured, since I woke up about four times last night, that I should just give up on trying to sleep and update my blog! So here I am, typing away, attempting to give an update on what it feels like for me to be in the middle of my 22nd week of pregnancy.
Belly update: Yep, it has finally arrived! No, it is not quite like the cute, little basketball-type I always envisioned, but it is almost there. I haven't quite revealed that I'm pregnant to my therapy clients yet, so I've become extremely creative in hiding my expanding waistline through blousy tops, tunics, etc. However, once I get home, I have to admit that it has been fun to wear some tighter tops to show off the new edition! As many of you moms know, there is this weird in-between period where you either wear looser tops to hide the belly that looks like a beer-gut or you wear normal, fitted attire to show off what actually portrays a pregnant belly. I think I'm entering the latter stage, maybe in the next few weeks!
Name update: Well after several months of debating and minor arguments, Beau and I have come up with a name! You would think marrying your sweetheart/soul-mate would lead to a more-than-easy naming process. Nope! I think we disagreed on almost every name we came up with. There were many days where I'd come home from a long day of work, speeding home, so I could share the name I brilliantly came up with...to only be met with a look/statement such as "What the heck are you thinking trying to name our child with a name like that???". Thank God after it was revealed to us that we were having a girl about a month ago, half of our naming dilemma was completed for us. During the same night the ultrasound showed "It's a girl" we had come up with our sweet little angel's name. Bella. Bella Sky Rummel.
To be perfectly honest, I think it is a perfect name. "Beautiful Sky." Beau and me fell in love over sunsets and shared our first date with a beautiful sunset over the Pacific Ocean in San Diego. What could be better than capturing this special moment in our first child's name!
Body/general issues related to pregnancy: The 2nd trimester rocks! I really love not throwing up or struggling with nausea throughout the day. While the fatigue is never-ending, I don't mind it and usually am able to take a nap when needed. However, the peeing, UGH! Especially on nights like the one we just had and having to run down the longest bedroom hallway known to man to get to the toilet...painful. I am about to resort to a bedpan...no...just kidding...just sounds very appealing after last night. I'm getting awfully excited about my upcoming baby shower as planning has begun and I've only freaked out a handful of times as I start thinking about the baby registry. Thank God for best buds who have been through this process...because I know I won't be dragging my hubby into these stores.
Summary: Overall, I love being pregnant. I'm so content and filled with joy that God blessed us with this little girl for Christmas...so much so...that I don't need any gifts this holiday. I think I was given the best one possible.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
It's a girl!
Last Saturday Beau and I took a trip to the "See me now mommy" ultrasound clinic to find out the sex of our baby. Prior to the appointment, I was definitely feeling quite nervous and restless. It first started with a nightmare that I was having a boy! Ha! Yep...I said nightmare. Not sure why it was so scary to find out we were having a boy, but I sure woke up terrified at the news my dream revealed to me. I also found that the hours that led up to my afternoon appointment crawled at a pace much slower than how my grandmother drives. Ugh! It felt like we missed every green light as we were driving to the appointment and happened to get behind every "poker/Sunday afternoon stroller" driver in the whole wide world. Yep... I was definitely being impatient. Blame it on the hormones!
Well we FINALLY made it to our appointment with my best bud Monique alongside us. The ultrasound started and after about 5-10 minutes of baby Rummel stubbornly crossing its legs and kicking in every direction that it wasn't supposed to, the lovely ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex. Um...YES! Of course we wanted to know the sex. She then started to reveal her answer and as she formulated each word in the sentence to come, I could feel my pulse begin to race in such a way that I felt as if my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. And then the answer we were waiting for came...LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A GIRL!
A girl! A girl! No way! That is what I thought...honestly...I asked God at that moment, "How could I deserve a girl?" "How could I possibly get to have a girl?" "How could I be so blessed to get what I wanted?" Then God answered by giving me such a peace at that moment I asked those silly questions. And truly I believe He answered by letting me know we were having a girl as a symbol that He is in total control and is blessing us during this journey since our miscarriage in January. All in all, I truly felt like we lost a girl during that miscarriage...I truly feel like God let me know that at that moment. It gave me a real peace and a sense of closure from the immense grief of January's loss.
The lesson I have learned and am continuing to learn is that we don't always understand why God allows us to fall and cry...bleed and hurt. January's miscarriage didn't make any sense at the time. However, through every trial, there is a blessing and revelation around the corner that God has in store for all of us. I encourage you, my friends, to hang on through the storm, because what awaits is so much greater than anything you can imagine.
Back to the ultrasound...
After we were told what we were having, I really don't remember anything else that happened during the ultrasound. I just hugged my husband when it was all done and felt very blessed, happy and excited for what was to come.
Well we FINALLY made it to our appointment with my best bud Monique alongside us. The ultrasound started and after about 5-10 minutes of baby Rummel stubbornly crossing its legs and kicking in every direction that it wasn't supposed to, the lovely ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex. Um...YES! Of course we wanted to know the sex. She then started to reveal her answer and as she formulated each word in the sentence to come, I could feel my pulse begin to race in such a way that I felt as if my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. And then the answer we were waiting for came...LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A GIRL!
A girl! A girl! No way! That is what I thought...honestly...I asked God at that moment, "How could I deserve a girl?" "How could I possibly get to have a girl?" "How could I be so blessed to get what I wanted?" Then God answered by giving me such a peace at that moment I asked those silly questions. And truly I believe He answered by letting me know we were having a girl as a symbol that He is in total control and is blessing us during this journey since our miscarriage in January. All in all, I truly felt like we lost a girl during that miscarriage...I truly feel like God let me know that at that moment. It gave me a real peace and a sense of closure from the immense grief of January's loss.
The lesson I have learned and am continuing to learn is that we don't always understand why God allows us to fall and cry...bleed and hurt. January's miscarriage didn't make any sense at the time. However, through every trial, there is a blessing and revelation around the corner that God has in store for all of us. I encourage you, my friends, to hang on through the storm, because what awaits is so much greater than anything you can imagine.
Back to the ultrasound...
After we were told what we were having, I really don't remember anything else that happened during the ultrasound. I just hugged my husband when it was all done and felt very blessed, happy and excited for what was to come.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Girl or Boy?
It's around that time. That time you see in movies and hear in country songs. That time where you finally get to start picturing what the nursery will look like and what clothes your little one is going to wear. Blue or pink? Pigtails or faux-hawks? Cheerleading or football? Yep...sometime soon...in the next week...Beau and me will find out what the sex is of little baby Rummel.
I've had several people ask me if I want a girl or a boy. It's a hard question to answer. My first instinct...is to answer with "a girl." It just seems so much easier, especially because I'm a girl myself, to raise someone of the same sex. I picture all the fun girly stuff that we can do and the lessons I can't wait to teach her about boys, makeup, self-respect, etc. I also can't wait to teach her all the atypical girl stuff such as how to throw a punch, how to hit a baseball, and how to make her own money.
But then I think about having a little boy. While I know that my husband has said that he just wants our baby to have "10 and 10" and be healthy, I think it would be so awesome to give him a little boy. A little boy who can learn about fly fishing and tackle football, fast cars, junk food, rock music, and first crushes.
So overall, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm wishing for in regards to the gender. I can picture both scenarios and I know God already has this planned out. I question if I'll be a better mother to a girl or will I do better at raising a little Beau Rummel. I just don't know, but I'll keep ya'll posted as soon as we find out! Can't wait!
I've had several people ask me if I want a girl or a boy. It's a hard question to answer. My first instinct...is to answer with "a girl." It just seems so much easier, especially because I'm a girl myself, to raise someone of the same sex. I picture all the fun girly stuff that we can do and the lessons I can't wait to teach her about boys, makeup, self-respect, etc. I also can't wait to teach her all the atypical girl stuff such as how to throw a punch, how to hit a baseball, and how to make her own money.
But then I think about having a little boy. While I know that my husband has said that he just wants our baby to have "10 and 10" and be healthy, I think it would be so awesome to give him a little boy. A little boy who can learn about fly fishing and tackle football, fast cars, junk food, rock music, and first crushes.
So overall, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm wishing for in regards to the gender. I can picture both scenarios and I know God already has this planned out. I question if I'll be a better mother to a girl or will I do better at raising a little Beau Rummel. I just don't know, but I'll keep ya'll posted as soon as we find out! Can't wait!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The second trimester
14 weeks 1 day! 25 weeks 6 days to go! Little Rummel is about the size of a navel orange...roughly 2-3 ounces...4.5 inches.
When I type these stats out, there is definitely one side of me that dreads the thought of having to wait out 25 1/2 more weeks. However, there is another side of me, the side I'm pretty excited about...that is really happy that I have that much further to go. Wow...you might be thinking..."Finally Blaire, some mature thinking!" Ha ha. I have come to realize over the past week or so that I am involved in a magnifiscent journey that God has allowed me to partake in. I absolutely feel him molding and shaping me into someone completely different than I once was. And you know what? That makes me so dang happy and excited. Sure, I have a long ways to go. But God is rewarding me with some patience as I can now feel and see Him working on me.
As I have started this blog, I have had some doubts about continuing. Some of you have made some obvious comments on my "nuttiness" since reading these blogs. Some friends don't understand why I freak out so much and am experiencing so much fear. And I have to admit, that has swayed me a bit. Being such a people pleaser and scared to show people the realness of me for fear of rejection, I have had serious doubts about being so open as I experience pregnancy. But if I were to give in to these doubts, I'd be following down the path that I once was on. And to be honest...I'm sick of walking down that path. So I choose to continue blogging. Sharing my "crap", my fears, my doubts, my failures, and hopefully some of my joys. I don't want to be scared anymore of possible judgment, of things that might not lead to absolute success, etc. I'm going to push forward and record what is happening to me the best way I know how. It feels somewhat freeing and exciting to reveal so much about what I am going through. And I just can't keep hidden how God really does answer prayer.
Back to pregnancy...I'm definitely feeling a bit more hopeful that some of the miscarriage threat is gone as I am finishing off 4 months in the next few weeks. Don't get me wrong, it is still there, and recently just appeared full force in a nightmare last night. But I don't feel as alone as I am asking God for more help. I promise you He really is there. He really is walking alongside us all the time.
My belly is now looking a bit softer and rounder. A lot of my friends have called this the worst stage for the belly, because it resembles more of a "beer belly" or pudginess, rather than a cute basketball. I'm also having a lot of fun, (not really), finding clothes that disguise what's going on behind my belly button ;-). The nausea is pretty much gone! Thank God! And the tiredness...well that is probably not going to go away. And last but not least...the hormones/emotional rollercoasters are a bit much. Poor Beau!
And while I love experiencing these physical changes, I'm finding the most enjoyment out of what I'm learning and going through. God has really blessed me with some awesome friends, a small group that is full of young moms, and a new found quietness to help me listen to what He wants for my life.
I'll end on this last point here. A new found quietness. I have never truly experienced the present, a slowness in everyday life, where I sit back and just listen and be. It is a new sensation, a new speed, and a whole new way of living. And while I'm no pro at this type of meditative state, I'm liking the practice that is involved and I love what it is doing. Overall, I'm just feeling grateful tonight and hope that you are experiencing all that God can do for your life...no matter what stage you are in. It is truly rad!
When I type these stats out, there is definitely one side of me that dreads the thought of having to wait out 25 1/2 more weeks. However, there is another side of me, the side I'm pretty excited about...that is really happy that I have that much further to go. Wow...you might be thinking..."Finally Blaire, some mature thinking!" Ha ha. I have come to realize over the past week or so that I am involved in a magnifiscent journey that God has allowed me to partake in. I absolutely feel him molding and shaping me into someone completely different than I once was. And you know what? That makes me so dang happy and excited. Sure, I have a long ways to go. But God is rewarding me with some patience as I can now feel and see Him working on me.
As I have started this blog, I have had some doubts about continuing. Some of you have made some obvious comments on my "nuttiness" since reading these blogs. Some friends don't understand why I freak out so much and am experiencing so much fear. And I have to admit, that has swayed me a bit. Being such a people pleaser and scared to show people the realness of me for fear of rejection, I have had serious doubts about being so open as I experience pregnancy. But if I were to give in to these doubts, I'd be following down the path that I once was on. And to be honest...I'm sick of walking down that path. So I choose to continue blogging. Sharing my "crap", my fears, my doubts, my failures, and hopefully some of my joys. I don't want to be scared anymore of possible judgment, of things that might not lead to absolute success, etc. I'm going to push forward and record what is happening to me the best way I know how. It feels somewhat freeing and exciting to reveal so much about what I am going through. And I just can't keep hidden how God really does answer prayer.
Back to pregnancy...I'm definitely feeling a bit more hopeful that some of the miscarriage threat is gone as I am finishing off 4 months in the next few weeks. Don't get me wrong, it is still there, and recently just appeared full force in a nightmare last night. But I don't feel as alone as I am asking God for more help. I promise you He really is there. He really is walking alongside us all the time.
My belly is now looking a bit softer and rounder. A lot of my friends have called this the worst stage for the belly, because it resembles more of a "beer belly" or pudginess, rather than a cute basketball. I'm also having a lot of fun, (not really), finding clothes that disguise what's going on behind my belly button ;-). The nausea is pretty much gone! Thank God! And the tiredness...well that is probably not going to go away. And last but not least...the hormones/emotional rollercoasters are a bit much. Poor Beau!
And while I love experiencing these physical changes, I'm finding the most enjoyment out of what I'm learning and going through. God has really blessed me with some awesome friends, a small group that is full of young moms, and a new found quietness to help me listen to what He wants for my life.
I'll end on this last point here. A new found quietness. I have never truly experienced the present, a slowness in everyday life, where I sit back and just listen and be. It is a new sensation, a new speed, and a whole new way of living. And while I'm no pro at this type of meditative state, I'm liking the practice that is involved and I love what it is doing. Overall, I'm just feeling grateful tonight and hope that you are experiencing all that God can do for your life...no matter what stage you are in. It is truly rad!
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